It Comes in Many Shapes and Forms C14

It Comes in Many Shapes and Forms

Part 14 

“What do you want Sonic?” He had followed me to the rooftop. What? Did he think he could help me, or that he understands what I was going through right now? Because honestly I don’t really know what’s going on here.

“Rock… X, everyone here just wants to help you. I know things didn’t go so smoothly downstairs but please don’t run off. Your family misses you. And maybe they can help you with what you're goung through, too.”

“So why did you come up here instead of them? Why are you even here? You don’t have a personal investment in all this.”

“Okay, first question, I’m up here because I could get here the fastest. As for your second, that’s not true. I do have a personal stake in all of this. You… you’re my friend. And after what happened to you a month ago, I couldn’t just abandon you while you recovered.”

“Stop talking about me like you know me!” X then took a moment to calm down before he continued. “Look, it’s confusing enough to have all these memories of you that I can’t understand. They have no frame of reference, I don’t remember ‘remembering them’ but they feel so genuine. I feel these feelings with such power. And then I have to hear your voice and have those feelings spike, but they’re not even mine. Who are you, and why should I even care!”

“You’re… your right; I shouldn’t talk like I know you. What you’re going through, I can’t even imagine, and it is insensitive of me to think that you’re just back to the way I remember you, for who's standing before me I’ve never really met.”

“Please answer the question Sonic.” X asked calmly. “Why should I care? How well did you know me before… this? It’s driving me crazy.”

Sonic looked at the floor before he responded. This blue hedgehog with the quills and red shoes, he’s from another dimension, he can run fast, I know all these facts about him but it’s the intangible stuff that I can’t get. Why do I feel like I know him more than even my own sister? No, know isn’t the right word. My lack of experience isn’t helping. I’ve only been active for a few minutes. “I only knew you for a few hours Megaman, I mean X. You came to my realm and we fought for a bit before we realized it was a set up by Wily and Robotnik. Then we joined forces. Or so I thought. The whole gambit was orchestrated from the beginning. The whole time I knew you were subconsciously under the effects of the Roboenza and then fully under its control once you attacked me for real. But even while you were afflicted I got this sence that you were such a compelling person. Even as a Reploid you quickly became someone that I admired. So seeing you so quickly overtaken was hard to watch and harder to fight. I guess today I hoped that… I could finally get to know the real you, after a month of thinking I ended your life.”

“You used Light’s Vaccine against me, didn’t you? I remember… I wanted you to for I was about to destroy Roll. I feel like I’m grateful for that… somehow.”

“You… remember that?”

“For as incomplete as my weird memories are of events prior to… my awakening today, thoughts that focus around you have the most potency yet are wrapped in a curtain of ambiguity which is very infuriating. Why am I fixating on you? Do you know why Sonic? Why I can’t stop thinking about you, even though I shouldn’t know you like this?”

“I don’t know X. All I can say is that, over the past month I’ve… been fixating on you. You do know of Megaman, right? How some of his memories are in you?”

“I’m Megaman, yet… a part of me is not. You're calling me X for that is my designation, yet apparently there is the Reploid, Megaman, and the Reploid, X, though they are both me. Why is that?”

“The Megaman I knew was damaged beyond repair by the Vaccine I used against him. Only a portion of his memories were salvageable from his body, so what could be recovered was transferred to you. You were a Reploid Light had built prior to my fight with Megaman which had never been operational before. Apparently you are an experimental Reploid with the unique ability to think and feel with complete free will. But to save Megaman… at my suggestion… some of his memories were merged with your consciousness. That’s why earlier you claimed there were two selves within you. This is your reasoning for confusion. I’m sorry; I didn’t think this could have such an adverse effect on you. But who am I kidding. I was selfish, thinking I could save the friend I murdered.”

He’s emotions instigated this vague recollection within me of my own struggles with the concept of human emotion. These thoughts were from before I awoke today. Evidently Sonic once considered me against reasoning to be alive, and I believed him. “Sonic, at one point you told me I was alive? Am I remembering this correct?”

Sonic appeared to think about my question before he responded. “Yeah, that was when we first met, during our walk to Robotnik’s compound to confront the mad doctor. It’s funny; at the time I was just trying to make you feel better. But now I know I was right.”

“And you’re not trying to make me feel better right now. You’re being completely honest with me?”

“Of course. I’d never lie to you man. You’re my super fighting robot friend, who’s actually alive.”

Not getting the reference, X though somehow concluded Sonic’s joking ways was actually normal, so he proceeded to ask Sonic a tough question. It was to get to the point. It was direct, it was something X concluded despite the murky vague feelings he apparently inherited from a previous version of himself. This was an extrapolation from incomplete data, and not something he was remembering. However, Sonic should be able to deduce the truth of this statement for me, and he was not going to lie. His opinion was all that mattered for this. “Sonic, is it possible that somehow we were more than friends?”

“What? What do you mean?” He looked really nervous. Was he figuring out the point of my interrogative but hesitant to answer due to nervousness? That apparently was a very paralyzing feeling for a living being, and I knew that because well Light was really good at what he did. “I consider Dr. Light my father and Roll as my sister, I am capable of every human emotion, and you conquer that I am alive, or that who you knew prior to me existing was alive. So is it possible that, despite my prior self from what I can tell never identifying this, that somehow in our brief time together you and he became family? Not friends because we didn’t… ‘like’ each other, but instead we really ‘liked’ each other. The English for this is ‘love’. So Sonic, do we… did you and Megaman love each other? Is that what my fixation is, the memories of who I used to be fixating on you, that attention was because of love? Is this true?”

Sonic looked completely bewildered; frozen in thought with a panicked look on his face. “No… I… we…” He at first attempted to deny the allegation. And that would have been fine. I wouldn’t have cared. I would have been content to know that this leap I had made from no evidence was just somehow a feature of this experimental mind I had drawing a wrong conclusion and I would have learned from the experience. However Sonic retracted his negation with indecisiveness. He wasn’t sure. It wasn’t a resounding yes or no. Because he hadn’t thought about it like this. He hadn’t ever thought his concern for Megaman's well being for a month was because of love. There were some social taboos taken into consideration despite my conclusion. Reploid and a Mobian of a different dimension. My "understanding" of customs came from Dr. Light’s programming and attention to detail: My father.

But despite the initial obvious limiting factor it still seemed right. Even if the memory is corrupted, Megaman in his quest to understand himself found he feel towards Sonic like he did toward his other family. He wanted to love someone. But now he was dead and I was here. So the question was: do I love Sonic? I’m capable of it, but I just don’t know. Love is… not my mission or purpose. It’s just something I can identify and swear to protect. “Honestly Sonic, I don’t know if ‘I’ love you. That may have been the old Megaman, the one you knew as a friend. But I’m not him. At least, I don’t think I’m supposed to be. Life is very new to me, and I’d like to have my own instead of continuing his, even if he is a part of me.”

Sonic looked at me and then down at the floor as if he kept contemplating what I said and was disappointed by the conclusion. He then looked pretty dejected. “You know I honestly never thought about it that way. Love for me has always been a complicated problem. It’s been directed at so many people I often think I’m doomed to love no one because I could never decide. But you know what; I think I did love Megaman, subconsciously. I just never had enough time to realize it. It wouldn't be the first time love for me was unorthodox. But now he’s gone. And I’ll never get the chance to tell him how I felt.” Sonic then shook his head and X could see liquid forming from his eyes. Tears? Why? Love which is missed can elicit this response? Did I do this to him, cause him to feel this way? X felt guilty because he was programed to feel this way in this situation… and because he was by design alive enough to feel responsible for the emotional state of others. I have got to stop obfuscating this!

“I only guessed what Megaman felt Sonic. I didn’t gain that feeling from him from his memories, I just drew the conclusion based on a pattern. In any event, it was likely that he felt this way but hadn’t concluded it in himself. I guess maybe the both of you didn’t have enough time together, and now he's lost to you forever. He’s in me somewhere but delegated only to be a source of memories for me. I may not be Megaman, though maybe I should have been. After all, it’s what everyone wanted.”

“That’s not totally true X. You were intended to be your own Reploid. It’s just in losing Megaman I came up with this plan to save him using you and everyone went along with it. You don’t have to be Megaman. I thought I wanted him back and I still do, but not at the cost of another Reploid. My indecisive feelings for him all this time is just one example of a myriad of issues I’ve had towards others, it’s not your fault. Everyone’s waiting… downstairs. I think Light and Roll would like get to talk with you soon. I think… I’ll go home though. I don’t have a reason to stay.”

The dejection was clearly evident in his voice. This was caused by death, and the emotions in the living it caused. He lost his love via his own actions. I am only a constant reminder of that. His heart was broken, this blue hedgehog. “I’m sorry Sonic… I wish I could help you.”

“Don’t… worry about it X. It’s all my fault anyway. Maybe I’m just cursed to be this way, constantly heartbroken and alone. I’ll take it in stride… I always do. Being a hero is more important anyway. Too many people depend on me, and the people here depend on you. I won’t be a distraction.”

He still seemed so sad despite his realization and acceptance. No, he couldn’t get over this through just his words. I still feel guilty, and I know it is my responsibility to do something about it. I am of free will, after all, and able to know what the right course of action is. “I think maybe I owe you Sonic.”

“What do you mean?”

“Despite my… lack of feelings, the memory of them from my previous incarnation still linger. Whether they’ll fade given time as I become my own is to be determined; it ultimately is my choice how I act on them. So, as a favor to a person instrumental in my upbringing… sort of… I’d like to extend the offer of friendship. I think… I would like to get the opportunity to know you, instead of relying on memories.”

“As a favor to me huh? However you just phrased that, it sounded overly complicated, and that is so familiar. Deal, capital ‘X’.”

“You can just call me X.”

“I guess your memories left out the part where I tend to dish out nicknames.”

“I guess they did. Though I do recall the word Turing test. Those I assure you I can pass.”

“Well being friends with me is a little more involved than passing a test for computers.”

“Is this going to be some sort of trial?”

“It’ll be the gauntlet. Now come on, come meet your family. Did you know you have a dog? I didn’t. Megaman failed to mentioned him to me. I had to find out from your sister.”

---

The hardest part about being able to enter the realm where Crash's grieving soul remains in anguish is entering a state of mind where I could accept that fate forced upon him by me. The secret to detachment was acceptance of the good and bad of life: the yin and yang so to speak. A balance of the happiness and grief in my soul, so that emotions do not control my actions, but my will does. This is what Nestor taught me. I want to take his advice to heart, but in order to detach my aiúa from the atomons and drift amid the ether of philotic strands (mystic science as confusing as real science), I had to come at peace with what burdens my soul.

The physical routine was calm, deep breaths followed by an absence of thought whereas my focus is the sharpest. Spyro's two claws formed a closed circle in front of him while he sat on the ground. His gaze was to that circle though his eyes were closed. There were no words to recite or an enchantment to speak. This concept of relying on thought Spyro was to forgo. Peace of mind and serenity of the soul was not a thought, but an experience. Nestor was clear on this point. The aiúa outside the body is an experience unlike any other, so it is crucial that I master my domain while attached to the physical plane before venturing to the spiritual beyond. This clarity, focus, and tranquility of mind was necessary for two reasons. The first: detachment from the world, the second: detaching from the world.

I had to let go of him. I have to not feel remorse in preparation to detach. I had to keep a clear head to separate. But there was an inherent paradox in this venture: I was going to let him go. Confront his drifting lost soul and make my peace with him to benefit us both. It would be selfish of me not to do so. Previously in my grief nights before, I involuntarily retreated across the philotic twines we had with one another and visited his aiúa while dreaming. And even though I could sense that these visits tore him apart I still would go. Crash doesn’t actually know what going on or the reasoning behind it. Being an aiúa without form is nothing like being alive. All he has are his emotions, and only being able to temporarily feel my spirit amidst the timelessness of the afterlife, it hurts him do to the brevity of it. I’m hurting him by holding on to him even after death. When I was told this by Nestor, I almost broke down once more.

Never in my life have I been doing the wrong thing for so long. Being a purple dragon, the responsibility that comes along with that has always been a challenge I’ve welcomed despite my young age. The daunting task complemented my ego. But I’ve never been prepared for this duty of protection to be so personal. Elora, she was my first taste of what being personally investment in being a hero meant. To have my soul be invested in the outcome of whether I succeeded or failed in protecting someone I was responsible for. I was unready for something so life changing. I didn’t see that I loved her and that cost me a chance with her. I’d apologize to for that, but Ripto ruined that opportunity. I hope there’s a special layer of hell for him to rot in.  

Crash. Similar to Elora I didn’t acknowledge that what I felt for him was even possible. I had to watch him die to realize it. I was told once that love comes in many shapes and forms. Its purpose isn’t limited to reproduction. For those who live life fully love is but the most potent of all emotions that makes the journey from birth to death worthwhile, and what that love turns out to be is something unique and beautiful to everyone. Elora is who told me that. She aspires to be a poet and recited to me her insights on love during our trip to Dragon Shores. I guess in hindsight, upon Ripto forcing her to reveal to me for just how long she loved me, I know know that poem "jam session" was probably but one of her advances, unreciprocated by me since I was a blind fool. How am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to just let go of him and say goodbye? I’m not scared of it anymore! I love him and that’s okay! But I’ll never see him again and that’s my fault!

Spyro snapped out of his concentration, failing his meditation and became very agitated with himself. Balancing the emotions within himself was proving to be quite the challenge, for all he could still feel was grief. He had to remind himself of the importance of this. This was for Crash. Suffering in pain amidst the spiritual plane, his only hope for relief was me. Spyro was going through this for him. Accepting responsibility for what he did to him and his sister. Finally let Crash’s soul rest in peace. So Spyro started over again with his meditation unaware of time passing. Concentrating. Letting go physically and mentally, literally and figuratively.

Reality beyond my physical understanding of it was an overwhelming experience. The very lack of sensation almost snapped my aiúa back into place in a mad scramble for familiarity. It was like standing on a tightrope, with the balancing instincts of the inner ear going haywire. Except the feeling was everywhere instead of just in one location. It took a lot of will to remain focused. Spyro may have been inexperienced at this, but being bull headed and determined was not something new to him. Adrift with nothing but his emotions constituting his form, his spirit now searched the philotic webs connected to his soul to find his soulmate.

˂Crash.˃ Distance and time were not properties of the spiritual plane. There was no correlation between how events happened here and in the real world. The search didn’t feel like a search for an object. It was instead casting a net of emotions, of intentions. It was opening your soul for the person who fit the hole, for who was compatible. Who, when in their presences, made you smile and blush, and whose touch made you feel warm and flush. And with only sensations, feelings of adoration and pain were amplified beyond anything of any caliber felt while "in the flesh". Your consciousness was also venerable while adrift to primal ecstasy and fear. It was either pure bliss or anguish out here. Spyro was hopeful in his journey, but upon finding Crash his spirit was returned to a state of agony when sensing his broken spirit.

He felt so cold, in “looking” at him Spyro “felt” him. All his pain, all his sorrow, his loneliness and remorse of a life he no longer had. This was Spyro’s fault, and in being reminded of this once again and then seeing his mistakes effects on Crash, his own spirit recoiled in pain. But Crash then sensed this turmoil in Spyro, for their means of communicating emotions was through tugs on the philotic bond between them. It caused Crash to turn towards Spyro tearful. ˂You’re here˃ It wasn’t anywhere in particular. He instead meant in each other’s company. Together, for the first time for real since he died underneath a weeping Spyro. This was actually his spirit and not a dream. ˂I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.˃

Crash talking was so shocking. But Spyro remembered this wasn’t a conversation. This was an exchange of feelings. This was a true heart to heart conversation. Nothing to hide, no ambiguity in words. Floating beside the spirit of his best friend, Spyro shook the sadness from in his soul off because of how Crash felt so alone and responded with sincerity ˂I came to see you, be here beside you, because I don’t want you to be alone.˃

˂This, isn’t forever though, isn't it? You are still, alive, right?˃

˂Yes, I’m so sorry for what I did to you. Please. Please forgive me. I think about you every day. Wishing we could be together once more.˃

˂But it can’t be true, can it? We can’t be together ever again where it counts. In each other's arms.˃

He cut straight to the point. There wasn’t room for complimentary feelings. Time to be excited for the reunion between them in spirit. For despite this reunion Spyro still was bound to his body. In time he’d have to return to it. It wasn’t his time yet. This reality made Spyro feel awful once more, and made him lose sight of his goal, his mission to let go. I have to be strong, Spyro thought with renewed courage. No more suffering, for him and for me. I have to… let go. Crash felt this resolve. It was communicated to him for there were no private thoughts here. ˂Our fate together was always meant to be. In life or afterwards. Crash, we will be together. I promise.˃

˂Someday Spyro... I miss you. I miss feeling you, hearing your voice. Before in your dreams, I almost heard, saw, and felt you again. It was so sad, because it was an illusion. But now you’re here, but to send me off. I don’t want to be here alone though. I have no one else here but you.˃

Spyro felt Crash’s spirit flatten in dejection. He knew what my goal was. Spyro wasn’t prepared for this. For this intimate of a discussion, where no thoughts could be hidden. It was invasive, it was so personal. Spyro savored every disheartening moment. He was closer to Crash than ever before, but in a way that couldn’t be until he died as well. ˂No, I can’t let you go.˃ Spyro reached out and wiped the tears from Crash’s eyes. Contact in this form was not a physical sensation, but an intersection between two souls. He looked at me, Spyro looked at him. ˂I love you, and I will be here for you. I don’t know how, but our time isn’t over. Fate can’t take you away from me, and I’m done of being afraid of this. I know what I feel, and I feel it all for you.˃

˂I didn’t recognize this while I was alive. I only ever felt love once before in my life. I didn’t think I’d ever feel it again. I’m sorry I didn’t act on it sooner. That we couldn’t love each other while alive.˃

˂I’m sorry too. I felt love once before and didn’t act on it then.  And my indecisiveness once again cost me, this time with you.˃

˂Is it too late? To be real?˃

˂No matter the shape or form, this will always be real to me. I love you buddy.˃ Spyro then drew Crash in close. It was real enough for the both of them. If not for the longing in their hearts, then for the brief moment of elations in their souls. Their first kiss, adrift in the either of the afterlife. 

Illustrations by 8-Bit-Britt